I sometimes wonder in the dark, cold night right before dawn —when darkness breathes its last breath and morning finds its place again in the time appointed for it— why-why I lived through 9-11? Images find their home in my mind, a mind that is unprepared at those hours and very much unguarded. The darkness and the silence play their part as I slowly lose more of myself in the past. The waves of fear find their place in my muscles as a trembling begins to travel from limb to limb. “Visions in the night” I call them. Things one cannot explain to others, a loneliness that hurts more than it’s felt, and a time of darkness.

I cannot tell others the extent of the pain but I can offer it to God, and I do. If I were not a Christian I would despair. Sometimes, when I cannot help or stop the shaking, my wife feels it and she touches me. With that touch, I am reminded that there is hope, there is a future, and there is more I need to do. So I go on. I work through the grief and take hold of hope. I ask God to walk me just a little bit further. Why? I don’t know. There are reasons that reason will never know; trust and keep moving. This is my life, and while He sends me towards a place I know not, He also sends me brokenness and broken people. I know what He wants me to do, as strange as that sounds. I know what I am called to do, but it is hard and it must be Him who does it through me — for I am weak. Maybe that is my mission in this life, maybe that is my calling— I believe it is. But it hurts.

A part of me died that day in New York— A part of me is forever gone with those lives I watched disappear. No one can understand what it meant. Each of us who made it out must carry a burden that others know nothing of. Some have covered it over through drugs or drink, while others are mentally sick and will never be the same. We all have our demons we must fight, but I know each of us died in different ways that day. I guess there is a choice for each of us to make; life or death, light or darkness, hope or despair. But we must remember that it is not the past events that will determine our future, but the choice we make now that will turn around and make us. Confront the fears, fight the pain, find help for the images, and go forward. Live the best life you can for those around you. Invest in others and I truly believe you will find a healing that no medicine itself can bring. You know, sometimes I wonder if our suffering IS our medicine—think about that.

I still see images from that day. Things I’d rather not see, and things I don’t tell anyone else. A part of me will always remain there, a part I will never get back because it died there. Words will never do it justice to others, nor will they ever understand— so I remain silent like. When I’m in bed in the quiet of the night, awake and alone. Thinking, praying, and holding on to hope and despair— two sides of the same coin; knowing I have a choice. It’s not about me. It’s about them. So I choose life and the One who can shine His light into my darkness. For it is only in His light that we can see light.

GOD LOVE YOU!

Originally published on October 15, 2018